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  • Writer's picturealaurafilbin

16 September 2021: Exhausted

I'm exhausted.

I often say that I always am, and I'm sure many people think it to be hyperbole, but it isn't far from the truth.

Aside from working in special education and trying to balance writing, podcasting, and editing, mental illness also takes a toll. I take my meds as prescribed, I practice CBT thought correction, I try to maintain a healthy sleep schedule, my diet is... fine. Still, I'm tired. Some might say it's a toll of getting older, and I'm sure they're right, but it's also something I've felt since I was about twenty years old: an ever-present feeling of tiredness that always weighs down one's bones.

This week has been particularly tiring. Still tired from last week, this week has been more physically demanding at work and has left me falling asleep without brushing my teeth on more than one occasion. My creative drive is low, my attention-span is dwindling, and I'm ready for this week to be over.

The fact of the matter is that the weekend is far too short and I have many commitments. I'm stretched thin, but I'm not entirely sure where to cut back. With my goal of self-publishing soon, I refuse to sacrifice writing—when I have the creative drive to work on writing, I use it; I would prefer to continue the podcast because of the learning opportunities and connections made with other indie writers; the editing project has taken up so much of my time and I don't often have the motivation to work on it, but I made a commitment and I intend to see it through until the end of this book; and I don't want to cut back on my D&D games because they are a great majority of my socialization outside of work.

Thus is the dilemma. Too much to do, too little time.

I will admit, there is no easy answer. No matter what I do, there will never be enough time in the day to get everything done and also have time to relax and socialize. What's important is recognizing if/when I'm reaching a burnout point and taking the time to rest, recharge, and reevaluate whatever is causing the burnout.

Currently, my impending burnout is caused by the amount of energy currently required at work, which is out of my control until a student's behavior plan is figured out. As always, the time and energy I direct towards my creative projects is influenced by my mental capacities, so if I'm not feeling it, I'm not going to force myself to work.

With that in mind, I am proclaiming now that Patreon/Ko-fi content will be likely minimal this month (though there is still much to enjoy in the backlog), the next episode of Write Reckless will not be coming early and may actually be a little late depending on how editing continues, and revisions are henceforth on hold until I feel capable of thought again.

Admittedly, these decisions were made in the midst of writing this blog post, but I stand by them. Self-care is important.

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